10 Ways To Date Yourself
Last year I took a year off from dating. It started unintentionally, after a series of relationships had knocked me around and had left me feeling a little worse for wear. After my last breakup that left my self worth at a new low, I saw I had some deep repairing to do, and face off with some fears I had been discreetly avoiding, numbing and pushing down since I was a child.
I often say, the biggest breakdowns can be the biggest mirrors for our triggers and can show us wounds we didn’t quite realise we had. In the breakdowns, we get to see the parts of ourselves that can be easy to ignore when things are good. Why would we want to bring up old baggage, when things are going good, right? This is why setbacks are essential for our evolution and self discovery. When we can take our fears, triggers, shadows or blocks and have no reason but to break them down, we have an opportunity to rebuild them in a way that supports us, even if it means a sidestep or step back while we figure things out.
For me, last year was about healing - healing self doubt wounds, taking my personal power back, understanding the subtleties of my habits, letting go of identity patterns no longer serving, finding myself underneath all the shells, but also creating a new centre. A new way of seeing myself. I had to get realistic about who I was showing up as in a relationship vs showing up as the person I wanted to be.
So often we write ‘lists’ about the person/thing/situation we want in our life, but how often do we write a list about the person we are actually showing up as? What are we offering as a person? We feel entitled to something, but are we matching that? This is a big, confronting mirror.
And that it was - a long, slow, confronting year. At times I wanted to run away, take the easy route. I wanted to get a new job that would allow me to be outside of myself, so I didn’t have so much space or silence around me. I wanted to move to a new country to get away from my patterns. I wanted to hang out with different people so I could be a ‘version’ of myself, rather than the people that knew all sides of me. Trust me, I really didn’t want to look deeply at myself. I was afraid of not being able to come back, or finding out that I wasn’t enough. Enough to be the person I felt like I longed to be.
I didn’t want to call in a partner from this place, as tempting as it was to just swipe right on a guy that could help inject some endorphins and temporary validation into my world. Firstly I knew, that I needed to rebuild the trust, faith and self worth I had before those rockbottom break ups. At the end of the day, I knew that ‘wherever you go, there you are.’ I knew that in the mud I would... eventually find the gold.
And what I was seeking I eventually did find. Piece by piece, last year became a rebuild and recreation of the person I knew I was, and inherently wanted to be. It wasn’t easy. It required learning to really, truly love and embrace my flaws. It meant building resilience against rejection and being okay with things taking a different path. But most importantly, it meant letting go of the power I let other people have for me. Evaluating why my projections of self worth were often held in the hands of other people. I had to create foundations of self worth for myself, based upon my inherent nature and truth and nothing more.
This time I took learning to create my own joy, contentment and happiness has probably been the biggest and best investment into myself. All it took was time, patience (a lot of this) and getting REAL with how I was showing up.
Learning how to date ourselves, (even if we are in a relationship!) is one of the best ways we can create this deep internal love and appreciation. It actually has nothing to do with having a partner. It’s about who are internally on a daily basis. It is how we take our power back into our own court.
We are the only ones that dictate who we are and what we are worthy of!
How do I date myself?
Choose you. Boundaries are your new best friend. What do you actually want to do? Check in with yourself. Drop all the expectations. What do you truly want? Do that.
Feel Sexy Everyday. Wear the lacy bra. The silky top. Your favourite lipstick. Bring sexy everyday because you damn deserve it!
Schedule ‘nothingness hour’. This is a time where you get to do WHATEVER the heck you want. Is it watch netflix? Lie on your floor naked? Sit in nature? Journal? Call your friend in London? What do you truly want to do in nothingness?
Self Massage. I personally love this and incorporate it into my night time ritual. You can play with making your own oil blends and making a scent you personally love. Self massage is a beautiful self love ritual, that builds a deeper connection with your body. Play some of your favourite music and light a candle.
Night Time Ritual. Take your time with your night time ritual. See it as an investment not just into your beauty regime, but your sleep hygiene and self love. Turn the lights down low (or pick up a Himalayan salt lamp for gentle night light), light a candle, journal, dance, pull guidance cards, do a face mask, have a bath, meditate, sing, play, do whatever makes your heart sing.
Dance! (twerk, thrust, drop it low). Move your body in a way that feels good! Release those endorphins whilst listening to your favourite twerk track. Highly recommend Beyonce for this.
Go to a movie alone. Nothing feels better than enjoying a night out, confident in your own company. It is a great practice of self power and you never know what you might learn from this experience!
Put yourself out there! Be yourself! Allow your quirky, authentic side to come out as much as possible. Nobody is judging you! Self expression is self love. It gets easier the more you do it.
Listen to this podcast episode about self pleasure - you’re welcome. It’s a goodie. Ep 8: Melissa Vranjes - Sex, Pleasure and Hormones
Prepare slow meals. Take your time to really prepare a delicious, solo meal for yourself. Hey, even add in wine and a little dessert too. You are worth it sister.
Share with me your favourite ways to date yourself below x
Olivia
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Olivia Scott is a qualified reiki healer in Auckland, plus a life and business coach, author, podcast host & speaker. Get in touch here.