5 Ways To Ease the Discomfort of Loneliness

I’m writing this post from inspiration of being in a lonely spell myself, and wanting to get this off my chest. I knew that if I was experiencing this, someone else out there will be too. After doing some research, and running some surveys (thank you for those who contributed), it’s clear I am not alone. In fact, I’m shocked by the huge response I received from people going through something similar.

Over the past few years or so I have found myself going through spells where I have felt lonely or disconnected from the world around me. Ironically, it happens not when I am sad, or something has gone wrong, but when I am really happy. When I experience an achievement, or something goes really well in my day, I find myself feeling lonely when I don’t have anyone to share that with. In the second half of my twenties I have found that the depth of loneliness that comes with these moments has become quite hard and uncomfortable. I wanted to understand this deeper and share some strategies that I have found really has helped to overcome these darker moments.

After doing some research and speaking to a Psychologist Bridget McNamara about what feels like a loneliness epidemic, she shared that “loneliness is one of the biggest contributors to poor mental health amongst all age groups, now more than ever”. And it is not necessarily a feeling that just single people experience - a lot of the people who responded to my surveys who voted experienced lonelines 3-5 times/week were in relationships too. 72% of the people who experienced loneliness, said that it affected them doing what they wanted in life, and 62% was at night time, 38% during the day. It’s important to mention that loneliness can be experienced in the presence of close friends, community and loving relationships, and not necessarily isolation.

So how did we get here? Yes technology and social media does have a great deal to answer for. But I would also like to point out a few other societal shifts that I believe contribute.

1) Societal perfectionism and pressure to have it all “figured out from an early age.”

We live in a modern world where we are expected to hold down a successful job, have an exciting social life, aspire to fall pregnant and get married at the “right time”, raise a family, buy a house, go on glamorous holidays, meditate, hold down an active exercise regime, have a fridge full of healthy food and do it all without struggle. This pressure, alongside the the rise of the individualised personal fame/entrepreneur era adds heat to an already very hot pan of personal pressure and societal expectation. Society loves to glamorise life goals, which often leaves us feeling on the back foot before we have even started. It also leaves us feeling alone, a little defeated, and can be often hard to speak about when we are surrounded by people or communities who are on the same treadmill. I believe finding a community of likeminded people who allow you to share your struggles, is the first step to easing loneliness.

For a lot of women in their early-mid twenties, it is the first time out of flatting, no longer held accountable by parents and education systems, and thrown into navigating identity, love, sex, money, career and expected to have it all figured out, and we aren’t supposed to. I often see clients who find it hard to take the leap out of the career they started in, into something different, and the fear of this unknown keeps them safe. This place of safety is where I often see loneliness creep in, which is where we begin to numb with mechanisms like alchohol, smoking, shopping, netflix, or more.

Hot tip: No one can ever judge you, for doing what’s right for you. Everyone is focusing on themselves anyway. Wanna quit and start again? Do it. Wanna move overseas? Do it. Wanna end your career as a lawyer and become an artist? DO IT. Because theres no race for your life’s true passion.

2) Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of not knowing where to start?

Analysis paralysis. In this information age, we have access to more information than we ever have. And rather than this enabling us, often times we can feel lost or stuck in a place of over-information. Rather than feeling empowered, we can feel confused in the noise of social media, society, marketing, and access to google anything at the fingertips. Even when we know what we want, the perceived fear of failure often attempts to stop us too. We get stuck in between the safe place and the place of the unknown. The further down the loneliness and isolation path we retreat, the scarier the unknown becomes, and the harder it is to get back on track. The best advice I have found in these scenarios, is not thinking about the big picture, but taking the next small step towards the future you do want. It might be tiny like joining a club, waking up earlier, or meditating. We can create huge shifts when we commit to small aligned actions.

Hot tip: You don’t have to know where you are going, you just need to take the first step and the next will reveal itself. The great thing about the unknown is that it’s never as scary as we perceive, and failure is the quickest way to succeeding.

3) Social Media and Technology

Seeing other’s highlight reel can lead us to feeling less than worthy, before we even have the opportunity to decide who we really are, or what our own thoughts are. When we are surrounded with other’s ideals of what they perceive to be successful, does that leave us much space to figure out our own voice, style, expression? It can leave us feeling depleted or like we are needing to be, look or act a certain way to be loved or accepted. It also tricks us into thinking we are connecting to others, when actually we aren’t. “Our body is wired for real human connection. This feeling of separation leads to feeling of loneliness and comparison,” says Psychologist Bridget McNamara.

Hot tip: CREATE more content than you consume.

4) Perception of connection from the comfort zone

Why go to parties, when there is tinder? Why go to a gallery, concert, event, when there is netflix?

When we trade perceived human connection (i.e instagram, dating apps), for real interactions, this only leads to separation in the real world. Our brain tricks us into thinking we are receiving the same human experience through an online chat, however it’s not. When we retreat from real life experiences, it leads to further isolation. Psychologist Bridget McNamara shared with me that “our real social connections are one of our biggest protective factors for mental health.” It only takes going to the supermarket these days, to realise many people can’t even make eye contact.

Hot Tip: Smile at the stranger, say hello to the passerby, smile and acknowledge people at the supermarket, call a friend for a chat, pat people’s dogs, book the tickets to the show - more human interaction!

5) Afraid of vulnerability or rejection

Are we afraid to admit to being lonely, so we retreat even further into ourselves? The vicious cycle of ‘appearing to have it all together’ only adds to the shame we hold around telling others how we really feel. “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.” There is no quick fix when it comes to loneliness, but being able to share our complex feelings takes its power away.

Sometimes being vulnerable does mean getting out of the comfort zone. It looks like going out alone or walking up to someone new at work to ask them if they want to eat lunch with you. They could say no, but they might not. The idea is not avoiding rejection, but realising that confidence comes from taking action and being okay, regardless of the outcome (which is out of your control).

Hot Tip: When we own our fears, they no longer own us. Often it is the thought of the unknown, rather than the actual outcome itself, that scares us. When we choose to love ourselves regardless of the outcome, we release the power of that fear. The is no growth in the comfort zone.

Ok, so how do we use this information to create positive change?

8 tips to ease loneliness and use it to our advantage

Use the time to plan in advance and book things in. Book a weekend trip away, sign up for some night hobby, yoga or meditation classes.
Ask yourself what you need. Check in with yourself like you would with a friend or child. “What do you need right now darling?” Is it a hug? Is it a bath? Is it a slow walk?
Listen to your curiosities and keep learning. What would you like to learn? A new language? Take an online course? There is something for everything these days, and we can use the abundance of information in our favour to enhance our skills to further our education and enjoyment.
Practice courage and vulnerability - share how you are feeling. Start a blog, journal, call a friend and have a real conversation. The more open you are, the more open others will feel safe to be open with you.
Find your tribe. Show up in new places, talk to people. You’ll find that often everyone is in the same boat, we all have our fears and insecurities. You never know, you might make someones day by saying hello.
You’re not going to like everyone, and not everyone is going to like you and that’s ok. Don’t take it personally if you don’t gel with someone. Focus on the people who love you, and know that if you experience rejection, it’s got nothing to do with you.
Laugh. Watch funny youtube videos, comedy shows, music videos (a personal favourite), dance, create playlists. Laughter can shift our energetic vibration instantly.
Nature - go for a walk. Start with a simple 5 minute walk if that gets you out of the house.
Have a break from social media, and replace it with something creative; reading, writing, painting, poetry, photography. Create more content than you consume.

Loneliness will come and go at different stages of our life, and it is important to have the right tools to come back to when it decides to creep in. I have found that the most effective thing to overcoming loneliness is asking myself what I need. Getting very real with myself about what my inner child is asking for, and like a friend shared with me recently, letting go of the ‘independent woman/successful woman, therefore I don’t need anyone’ identity that only keeps walls up. I had to learn to tell my friends what really was going on, what I was struggling with. But even more than that, learning how to love myself in moments of despair. Whispering ‘you’ve got this’ or ‘I love you’ when things feel scary or lonely. Trusting that the darkness brings light, and that fear will always bring growth in the best way possible.

And please know you are NOT ALONE!

Love, Olivia.

If you would like someone to talk to, or are experiencing suicidal thoughts - call Helpline for a chat 0800 543 354

8 tips to ease loneliness and use it to our advantage

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