The Myth of Perfectionism | Blog at Love by Olivia

Perfectionism is an expression of fear (fear of failure, embarrassment, rejection) as it is disguised form of control. Nothing can hurt or reject us if we are perfect, right? Wrong!

Perfectionism is a form of self-rejection, as we are reinforcing we aren’t enough unless it is perfect. So what does that leave us with when we feel we have failed?

So often we are afraid of having imperfections (or letting people see them) – because we are at risk of being judged/rejected/not the best, either by ourselves and/or others. Perfectionism keeps our walls up, it’s a never-ending belief treadmill, and it separates us from showing up as our true self.

The idea of perfectionism signals that we aren’t good enough, unless we achieve our idea of perfection. It stops us from experiencing our true nature, and enjoying our character and true gifts. Instead we focus on directing our energy into a perceived sense of having it all together – when in fact what we are craving deep down is self acceptance, connection and love.

I work with women that have a deep seated belief that when they are perfect (i.e, job, body, relationship, career), they will be enough - loved/appreciated/rewarded/praised. This is where we are missing the opportunity to accept who we really are, and we miss out on the deep connection with ourself that comes from this place (vulnerability). We are actually loved regardless of having it all together. In fact, when we let our walls down and let people see in, we experience being seen as our true self, our essence in its fullest form. Our truest self is not perfect. She’s always enough no matter what - messy, beautiful, winging it, and vulnerable. Perfect is not a present state, it is a future state (a construct set constantly in the future, that keeps us feeling not enough now) as perfection does not (and will never) exist.

Often when we are reinforced for positive behaviour, whether this as a child or an adult, we are taught that when we are on our best behaviour, when we achieve good grades, and external success is applauded, this must mean we are more liked. We learn from a young age that this must be the goal for success. This belief can leave us feeling too afraid to start, and can often be the reason we procrastinate or never end up starting to pursue our dreams, for fear of it not being good enough, or fear of failing. Ironically, failure leads to breakthroughs and some our biggest growths. Failure doesn’t result in rejection, that only ever comes from ourself.

When this construct is reinforced, it leaves us with the belief that if it is not perfect, it’s not good enough. We are not good enough. What’s left in that other space, if it’s not perfect? It’s our true nature. It’s the rest of us.
The first step to healing this belief is sending compassion to all parts of our self, the good, the bad, the uncomfortable, the ups and downs. Once we can start to see and accept all parts of our inner world, we become comfortable to show that to others, and let go of the need to be perfect.

Think about the people in your life that you love. What do you love about them? (It’s never their perfections that you love them for, right? It’s their quirks, vulnerabilities, authenticity and human-ness).

Journalling prompts

Is there any standards or pressures on yourself you’d like to let go of?
Is perfectionism showing up in any areas of your life?
Would you like to create some new beliefs here? If so, please share.
How can you start to love and accept all parts of yourself?

Journalling prompts

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